Exhasperation!
by BigRedCanuck
Summary: Ever had a friend that made you so darned exhasperated you just wanted to cry yourself to sleep? Or even cry when you're awake? And what happens when the exhasperation runs both ways? OneShotFicsVignettes. Please Read'n'Review.
1. Chapter 1

**Season:**_ Two_  
**Spoliers:**_ None!_  
**Beta:**_ None (this time)_  
**Disclaimer:**_ I don't own Stargate or Stargate Atlantis. Nope. I just play in their sandbox._

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* * *

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"C'mon Rodney, say something!"

Atlantis's resident Canadian genius didn't make a sound.

"Rodney… Please? Say something. _Anything!_" John asked, almost begged the astrophysicist.

Nothing.

"_Please_?"

There was a burst of an exasperated breath.

"I'm not speaking to you!" McKay finally said, in a snarky huff.

"You just did."

"Only to tell you that I wasn't."

"Yes, but you still spoke to me."

"What part of 'I'm not speaking to you!' do you _not _understand, Sheppard?"

John thought about that for a moment. "The part where you _are_ speaking to me to tell me you _aren't?_"

"Oh my god, are you twelve years old?" Rodney snapped.. and then realized he'd actually spoken in a way that clearly denoted he wasn't not speaking to John. With a huff he fell silent again.

After a few long minutes John sighed deeply. "You can't _still_ be mad at me!"

"And why not?" Rodney asked, dropping any pretense that he wasn't speaking to Sheppard.

"Because it _wasn't_ my fault!"

"Wasn't your fault?" Rodney cried accusingly. "_You're_ the one who told the priestess that their beloved goddess's statue looked like an aardvark on angel dust."

"Well, I didn't think they knew what angel dust was. Let alone an aardvark" John pointed out.

"Yes, I guessed that when you actually tried explaining it to them. Which, I may point out, got us here."

And with that Rodney jerked in his bonds. The coarse rope bit at his wrists which were tied above his head, along with Shepherds, and held them both suspended over the overly large cooking pot which bubbled with oil.

"So you can see how I just _may_ find this entire revolting predicament _your_ fault!" The scientist accused his so called friend.

"Well… if you put it that way…"

Mckay snorted. "I am _so_ not talking to you anymore." He griped as somewhere off to the side one of the natives began lowering the pair.

Shepherd looked down at the boiling cauldron as it got closer and closer.

"But you just did…."

McKay groaned. "Please.. Someone lower us a little faster?" he pleaded.

* * *

_**Authors note:** Don't know why I wrote this. It just came to me while I was at work. And I needed something to write that wasn't my other story for a moment. Should it stay a one shot? Or maybe become a series of oneshots? Please Read and Review!_


	2. Strudel

_**Authors Notes:** yep, so this is no longer a single one shot. Going to be a series of Vignettes now. Why? Well, why not? Mybe I can become a better comedy writer through practice. Maybe._

* * *

Rodney was leaning over the workbench in his lab, toying with his newest (and still unidentified) piece of Ancient's technology an exploration team had found in an abandoned room on the far side of the city. He snorted as he remembered the report. Abandoned room indeed. Of course it was abandoned. The entire city had been abandoned. Well, not the entire city if you counted that alternate timeline elderly Weir they had found a few months back. He was still having a hard time wrapping his head around that one.

Oh well. At least he had a new toy... Er.. project.

He still hadn't figured out what the dumb thing was for and it infuriated him. So much so that he had recently left it alone for an hour to mull over his progress (or lack thereof) while trying to enjoy a sandwich in the mess hall.

He ran hi scanner over it again.. and again… then consulted his laptop and the simulation that was running. The device was roughly square-ish and had two slots in the top. Was it some sort of computer storage media.. maybe the Ancients equivalent of an external zip drive? Now there was a thought….

As he ran yet another simulation a shadow fell over him. Of course, Rodney was too engrossed in his work to notice.

Someone cleared their throat loudly.

Rodney screeched and jumped, almost falling off his stool. He flailed his arms, keeping his balance and spun around, finally clutching his chest.

Sheppard stood there, smiling ever so innocently with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Don't you ever _knock_?" Rodney cried, still gasping for air.

Sheppard shrugged and leaned over, studying the device on the bench as if he were actually interested in it.

"Well, yes.. Sometimes." He admitted. "But you looked so cute all engrossed in your latest science project."

Rodney snorted. "You make it sound like I'm still in elementary school." He griped as he calmed down. "But seriously, more warning next time, okay? I'm a very delicate person.."

"Not to mention high strung? Have you been raiding the new coffee supply the Daedalus shipped in?"

Letting that slide, Rodney turned his back to the lieutenant Colonel and picked up a screwdriver. "As I was saying, I'm a delicate person, Sheppard. You could have given me a heart attack."

"What? Don't be silly. I've seen you stand toe to toe with Wraith."

"If only there were some Wraith here right now?" Rodney grumbled under his breath.

"What was that?"

"What? Oh, I said … uhm… I could sure use some… Paste.. right now." Rodney then winced inwardly… that comeback sucked.

Sheppard seemed to think so too but kept his input to himself. He just leaned over McKay's shoulder, hands still behind his back, and looked more intently at the box.

"So, what ya doing?"

Rodney sighed and lowered his head, banging it against the table.

"What?" John asked.

"I'm _trying_ to discover what this thing does." He said, exasperated. "And I could do it much quicker if you weren't spending all your time bothering me!"

John quickly stepped back and winced. "Yeah, uhm… Sorry."

Rodney slowly turned around and blinked. "Sorry?" he asked, slowly. "Well, this is a first. I mean, that sounded so sincere." Suddenly the scientist felt bad and his face softened up. "I'm sorry too. I've just hard a very hard and trying day. Say, what dod you come in here for, anyways?"

John shifted on his feet and looked a bit more embarrassed. "Yeah well… about that.. Ya see, I'm actually apologizing for.. uhm.. for my reason of coming here."

"Which is."

"Well, ya see.. I was the leader of the team that brought back the device. And, well, on the way back we were all so famished and decided to get a quick snack before reporting back with our discovery and…."

Looking sheepish, he pulled his hands back around in front to reveal… a square-ish box.

"Well… we accidentally brought you the toaster from the mess hall."

Rodney slowly looked at the silver box on his desk, then at the very similar box in Johns hands.. then back at his own box… His face slowly getting more red every second.

"If this is a toaster… then what the hell is that?"

John looked down at the box and looked even more embarrassed. "uhm.. I don't know. But do you think you could get my toaster strudel out of it.. it was the last blueberry one…"

* * *

"Doctor Becket, please respond!"

Carson sighed and sat straighter in his chair at his desk, putting down the tablet PC he had be studiously reading the past hour or so. He picked his radio up off the desk .

"Beckett 'ere." He replied. "What's wrong?"

The voice on the other end of the radio, probably one of new marines from the Daedalus's last visit, sounded confused, yet not all that panicky. "This is Mercer, Doctor. I'm calling from Lab one. There has been a slight accident and I think we could use your assistance.

Lab one. Rodney's lab. And considering he hadn't felt an explosion rock the entire city he was pretty sure it was another of the Canadians minor and rather silly wounds he ended up with bi-weekly. "Aye, I'll be there in a few minutes. What 'appened this time? Did Doctor McKay zap 'imeslf again?" he asked as he picked up his bag.

"Uhm, actually sir.. It's Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard. It looks like he's bee assaulted by…"

Carson noted the nervous pause. "Assaulted by what, lad?"

Mercer sighed and sounded very resigned. "I think Doctor McKay knocked him out… with a thrown toaster.

Becket was silent a moment, trying to picture just what situation could have transpired to end in this way. And found he couldn't.

"Riiiight." He finally said slowly, as he closed his bag. "I'll be right there." He said as he clicked off and made for the transporter.

_Bloody children_, he groaned inwardly, _I shoulda took me mums advice and been a vet. At least sheep aren't as stupid at those two_.

_I need a new job._


	3. Meat the Family

_**Author's Note:** Funny stuff is HARD! I dunno if I am cut out for it. :( But here is my latest attempt at it. Sorta longer then the previous two. Not sure how it flows. But hey, I tried. And thanks for the wonderful reviews so far. I don't deserve any of ya!_

_

* * *

_ "I am so not going in there."

McKay and Sheppard stood outside the doorway of the mess hall. After spending an hour trying to get Rodney away from his latest doohickey, John had finally resorted to threats to get the scientist to leave his lab. Mainly cutting him off from his supply of coffee and energy bars.

"C'mon, Rodney!" the Lieutenant Colonel begged once more, tugging on McKay's sleeve. "Carson said he wanted you to eat a real meal. Something nutritional."

Making a 'hrumph' like sound, Rodney stood his ground. "Energy bars are nutritional." He pointed out.

"Yeah, if you're a chipmunk." John shot back, "Though you do have the cheeks."

Rodney blanched at that. "Hey, my cheeks are just fine." He replied. "Are you saying I have fat cheeks?"

"Nooooo. I'm saying you have chipmunk's cheeks. But hey, if you want to keep eating that poor substitute for real homemade food."

"You're just trying to get me mad enough to walk in there." Rodney suddenly realized.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are!" Rodney cried. "Whenever I don't want to do something you insult me or threaten me into it. Not this time, John Sheppard." He said resolutely.

Sighing, John shook his head. "Fine. Go eat your power bars. I think we only have the lemon nut ones left. I'm sure those will fill you up."

Blinking, Rodney looked John straight in the eye, looking for any sign he was lying. Frighteningly, he saw no deceit in them and sighed.

"Fine." He grumped. "Dinner it is. Lead on, Mister Nutrition."

Grinning in that infuriatingly boyish way of his, Sheppard led his friend into the Messhall.

Minutes later their spot in line had moved up to the serving table where the chef's, really just volunteers from other departments, waited for the hungry hordes to make their selection.

Rodney, plate in hand, was eyeing the choices for this evening. "You know… Considering we are getting regular supplies now from Earth I am surprised there isn't more of a selection." He said as he leaned closer to examine something that looked like an dome of multi-colored jello with something that suspiciously looked like vegetables in it. "My god, I think they raided my high-school's cafeteria." He said with disgust.

John smirked at Rodney. "C'mon, it can't be that…" One of the servers plopped something that looked like faintly green and rather liquidy mashed potatoes on his plate, "…bad." He finished with a look of dismay.

Rodney looked between the mystery gelatin that the server had placed on his plate and John's potatoes. "What is that?" he asked. "Pureed Ninja Turtles?"

John shot Rodney that look. "Better then your… your… Oh hell, Rodney. What is that stuff?"

Rodney hmmm'd and tapped the jelly stuff with a fork. "I dunno. Looks like a reject one tenth scale model from the Blob." He said. "I think I see small bits of Steve McQueen in there."

"That's the carrots, Mckay."

"I was just saying… They looked like Steve McQueen! Look? This one even has his scowling brow?"

"Really?" John asked as he leaned over. "Hey, Cool! You're right!"

Rodney jiggled the plate and the multicolored gelatin bobbed and swayed. "I'm the Blob!" he crooned in a deep voice and slide the plate towards John's. "I have come to destroy your mashed Ninja Turtles!"

John grinned. The others in the line behind them didn't look to impressed though. "Hey!" Kavanaugh called out, his smarmy weasel voice carrying quite well across the line. "Get your move on. Some people here want to eat you know."

John flipped the pencil necked scientist the finger, making Kavanaugh bluster and pull out his little black book he recorder every imaginary infraction in, and urged a Gelatin Mesmerized Rodney along to the next few selections.

"You know, I don't know if supplementing our supplies with the Athosians foodstuffs was really such a hot idea." Rodney said as he got something that looked like pinto beans but smelled like roastbeef scooped onto his plate. "Why can't we break out some of the new supplies?" he whined as the last remaining selections were Lemon-Chicken, Pine-apple pork and…. He suddenly stopped and stared.

There, on a tray beneath a heatlamp, was the largest and juiciest steak McKay had ever seen.

Rodney couldn't even remember the last time he had seen real steak. The farewell barbeque, perhaps, before they jaunted to this wraith infested hellhole? Or was it before that? He didn't really care. All he knew is that he wanted that steak and wanted it badly.

And it was the last one.

And he wasn't the only one eyeing it either.

Almost everyone behind him had scene the steak and he swore more then a few of them were drooling. Some of them had developed a nervous sheen of sweat on their upper brow while other's twitched perceptibly.

Even Sheppard seemed entranced by that slap of perfectly cooked beef. His eyes shifted left.. then right… then focused on Rodney who was ever so slowly tiptoeing to place himself between the rest of the line and the beef crazed fanatics he called his peers.

"Rodney…." Sheppard muttered, taking a step foreword. And like a wave everyone else stepped in time with him. Closer. "I'd be careful if I were you… Step away from the steak and no one gets hurt."

A few of the others behind John mumbled in agreement. Rodney froze where he was and grabbed a spoon, brandishing it at Sheppard and the group of meat crazed scientists and soldiers.

"No!" he cried. "I was here first." And he waved the spoon menacingly at The fiends.

"You always get the good stuff!" cried one of the junior scientists.

"I can't eat this other crap!" cried another. "I'm gelatin intolerant. I need meat!"

Kavanaugh stepped up to Sheppard and McKay, his ratlike eyes gleaming dangerously. "Yeah. Give me the steak, McKay!" he growled, thumbing his own spoon."

Others stepped foreword, slowly circling McKay, cutting off his line of escape. Now John looked a bit worried as well. He turned around and stepped back to Rodney's side. "I think we're in trouble." He murmured.

"We?": Rodney said in a panicky voice. "Don't you mean me? This is my steak, Damnit. I'm not giving it up without a fight."

Sheppard shook his head. "Look. I want that steak as much as you do.." he whispers as Kavanaugh and his droogs started coming even closer. "So here's the deal. I help you get away and I get half the steak. Sound good."

McKay frowned and looked at his beloved steak.. Then at Sheppard. Then at the dangerous looking coterie with hunger in their eyes. A hunger born of too many MRE's and Anthosian Surprise Casserole nights.

"You've got a deal, Sheppard." He said as he snatched the plate up. "Lets dance."

Kavanaugh let loose his warcry and the battle began.

* * *

"So, wuz it wuirth it, Rodney?" Becket asked as he dabbed at the scientists black eye. The Doctor was not terribly amused by this. He had thirteen Atlantis personnel, ranging from the lowliest assistants to two of the three department leaders in the infirmary. Nothing serious. Just a lot of bruises.

A food covered Rodney McKay sat up in his bed. His entire body was plastered with gelatin and that green stuff of Sheppard's. And he was among the cleanest of the group. And clutched neat his chest was that plate with half a steak on it. He picked up in his fingers and tore off a bit like some ravenous carnivore and nodded to Beckett.

"Damn straight!" he mumbled between bites. In the bed next to him, John sat in his puddle of Faux chocolate pudding, takes bites out of his own half of the prize steak.

"What he said." He said around the juicy beef in his mouth.

Beckett sighed and rubbed his temples. "God… I need a new job." He muttered as he turned and walked towards Kavanaugh whom was having carrot sticks removed from his nose by a nurse.

John and Rodney munched away like two victorious warlords who had one an epic battle. This day would go down in history, or at least their permanent records. But it had been worth it.

Rodney was just about to take another bite when Katie Brown, Atlantis's premier botanist and McKay's love interest stormed in to the infirmary. Sheppard blinked and took another bite of his steak, then swallowed hard. "Uh oh, Rodney.. Look sharp. Pissed off girlfriend at 12 o'clock."

"Whuh?" Rodney squeaked, steak hanging out of his mouth as the diminutive scientist treaded right up to their beds. She had a plate of salad in her hand which probably meant she had been in the messhall and seen everything.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Rodney Mckay?" she asked angrily I a tone that made even Sheppard wince and try to inch away. Of course she looked at the Lieutenant Colonel as well, her eyes glaring daggers. Before either of them could say anything she looked back at Rodney. "I have never seen anything so deplorable and childish in my life. You were acting like heathens."

"But.. but…" McKay said, but couldn't get any words in.

"No buts." Katie growled and looked at the meat still hanging from his teeth in disgust. "My god, Rodney. How can you eat that… that… that meat!"

It was no secret that Katie was a Vegetarian. And Rodney had always avoided meet when they ate together. So much so that the lack of it had probably been a major contributor to today's fiasco. But never.. EVER.. had Katie been preachy about it. Until now. And Rodney snapped. NO ONE spoke about his steak that way. NO ONE!"

She wrinkled her nose again. "You know a cow died so you could eat that." She told him angrily.

That made Rodney blink. He looked at the remains of he beloved steak, then at his love, at his steak again, and finally at the plate of salad in her hands.

"Do you know why that cow died?" he hissed, ever so slowly. He leaned closer to her, his eyes narrowing as he pointed to her salad. "Because you ATE ALL IT'S FOOD!"

Everyone on the infirmary became silent. Even Kavanaugh, who still had a carrot stick up his left nostril. Sheppard was smiling, looking almost proud of Rodney. Katie, though, didn't look impressed at all and turned on her heal and stormed out, muttering something about Rodney never seeing her naked again.

Not that Rodney cared.. at least at that moment. He could cry and whine to her later about it, apologizing profusely and prostrating himself before her for hours. But at this exact moment he just held up the last few bites of his steak like a trophy and Sheppard did the same.

"Victory!" Rodney said.

"Victory!" Sheppard replied.

And Beckett just sat there, helping the nurse remove that really deeply wedged piece of carrot stick from Kavanaugh's nose, not at all sure whether he should laugh or cry.

"Daft Idiots." He murmured and reached for the pliers.


	4. Movie Madness

_**Author's Note:** Thank you all, so far, for the great reviews. I am touched you are all enjoying the little oneshots so much. I just hope I haven't 'funnied' myself out yet. Going to be hard to top the last one. Oh well, keep on truckin, right?_

_

* * *

_It was team night for Atlantis's flagship exploratory squadron and Sheppard, Teyla, Dex and Rodney had gotten dibs of one of the smaller recreation rooms set aside for the personnel's enjoyment. This one was primarily given over to movies as there was a dvd player hooked up to one of the large Atlantian Video Screens. A large couch against the wall provided comfortable seating and there was a small fridge and microwave set up in the corner with snacks.

Teyla sat cross-legged in the center if the couch, a bowl of freshly popped popcorn in her lap. Dex sat beside her, regarding the screen quizzically. On one side of the pair sat Sheppard, flipping through a binder of DVD's and on the other far side of the couch sat Rodney, not looking impressed whatsoever.

"I still don't see the point of this." Dex said matter of factly as he looked onward at the screen. Though both he and Teyla were not accustomed to recorded entertainment of the Tauri's sort, at least the Athosian had the benefit of having watched human movies in her year on Atlantis. "News broadcasts I can understand. Even music. But what is the purpose of these… movies."

Before John could answer, Rodney snorted loudly and readjusted himself on the arm of the couch, draping himself over it uncomfortably. "There /is/ no point." He muttered. "C'mon Sheppard. Find something _good_ this time. They have to have sent us something watchable on the Daedalus. Because I'm not watching Strange Brew again."

John raised a brow. "Why not? That's a _great_ movie." He said. "Besides, you're Canadian. Isn't Strange Brew your national movie or something."

"Oh please, Colonel. That's a stupid stereotype created by you ignorant and, for the most part, illiterate Americans." The scientist griped. "That's like saying we all like Celine Dion, Brian Adams, and Hockey."

"But… You /do/ like hockey."

"Sheppard… Shut up and keep looking!"

Dex looked back and forth between the Tauri as they bantered, like it was some verbal form of tennis. He leaned closer to Teyla, speaking quietly as the two earth men continued their arguing, this time about something called Cheeze Wiz versus Cheese-in-a-can. "What is a Canadian?" he asked the Athosian in a low voice.

"Their home planet has many nations." She whispered back, scooping up another handful of the popcorn. "And though I have not been able to find any Canadia on their maps thus far, culturally the only thing I have been able to determine is that Canadia is just like America, but with less guns and a love for a sport that requires two teams to strap steel blades to their feet and move on ice while hitting small rubber discs at ballistic velocities with curved sticks all while engaging in some brutal form of martial art."

Dex blinked. "Wow." He murmured. "This Canadia sounds like a great place."

"Apparently it has free medical care as well." She told him, "Which would make sense considering this savage ice sport of theirs."

By now John and Sheppard had moved off the various America Versus Canada topics of Beer, Medicare, and a confusing argument about Real Money versus Monopoly money, and both had ended up on the floor pouring over the selection of New DVD's the Daedalus had delivered.

"Okay, so how about Practical Magic?" John asked, holding up the book for everyone to see the cover.

"Oh, those women are pretty." Teyla said.

"Witchcraft?" Dex asked, sounding dubious. "What's so practical about using heretical arts?"

"Chick Flick!" Rodney groaned.

"But it has Sandra Bullock and what's her name…" John protested.

"Nicole Kidman?" Rodney offered with another scowl.

"Yeah, she's hot. I hear she plays a witch with loose morals, if you catch my drift."

"So you want to watch a movie about a bulimic looking witch and her slutty redheaded sister?" Rodney finally asked. "Neither of whom have enough acting ability to fill a leaky thimble? I mean, come on, did you see The Net? Or even worse, Eyes Wide Shut?" he shivered at the memories.

John frowned, and then looked at the two Pegasus humans, neither of whom looked too enamored after Rodney's critique. "Well… if you put it that way.." he mumbled and flipped through the binder. "OH! OH!" he suddenly cried. "Back to the Future!"

Dex blinked. "How does someone go /back/ to the future." He asked, even more confused.

Rodney ignored the large warrior and eyed Sheppard with a killing glare. "Didn't I tell you /not/ to get me started on that movie?" he asked, grumping even more. "There were so many damned holes in that movie…"

"That you could drive a Delorian through them?" John finished for him, looking all so innocent.

Rodney's cool gaze brought the temperature down a few more degrees. John winced and flipped the page. "Alrighty then…" he continued, post haste, "How about… Queen of the Damned?"

That suggestion made Rodney balk. "Oh my God, Sheppard, what is it with you and extremely bad movies?"

"Whaaaaaat? The book was great."

"You actually read the book?

"Well… yeah."

"No no. I'm serious. One of those little square shaped pads of paper with printed words on it or, in your case, easy to understand pictures and used to convey information.

"I do know what a book is, Rodney. You've seen my copy of war and Peace.

"I always thought it was just some exotic doorstop."

"Ha ha, very funny. Anyways, what's wrong with Queen of the Damned."

"What's _wrong_ with it?" he cried. "Besides being based and I mean that oh so loosely, on some trashy mcfiction written by a two-bit hack who wears too much corpse paint and eye shadow? It felt like it was developed when the screenwriter got the idea one night while extremely drunk at a party and a friend came up, even more drunk then him, and told him the story as it had be related to _him_ by an _even drunker_ third party; Who had read the book and never finished it and filled in the blanks with badly remember segments of The Vampire Lestat which, I may ad, was the actual sequel in the series to Interview with a vampire. Then the three got together and and probably drained a few gallons of neurologically damaging wood alcohol."

"Ahh okay. No Queen of the Damned then." John said as he flipped another page. "Kill Bill Volume 1?"

"A movie that looks like it was written and edited by an epileptic sixteen year old drama student on an expired prescription of Ritalin."

"Highlander: Endgame?"

"Oh please. A movie about a man who died and became immortal in his mid twenties and whose actor is now twice that age? Did you see how much make-up Christopher Lambert wore? He looked like Gene Simmons on Botox. And do you really want to see that _other_ Highlander's bare ass?"

John growled and flipped another page. "Terminator?"

"Remember Back to the future? Just _thinking_ of that movie's time traveling plot gives me a headache…"

Dex watched as the pair quickly shot title names and insulting critiques back and forth. He had to admit, he was impressed by McKay's wit though he didn't understand half of the references her made. "Teyla.. is 'Movie Night' always like this?"

She nodded, watching the two men raptly as she shoveled handful after handful of popcorn into her mouth. "Oh yes. This happens every time." she said.

"How movie nights have there been since you arrived?"

"I believe 30 at least."

"And how many movies have you seen?"

Teyla grinned. "Two." She then pointed to the bickering pair. "And in all honesty this is much more entertaining."

Dex hummed once, then nodded as he smiled and, kicking back, grabbed a handful of popcorn.

"You're probably right. Oh hey! This stuff is good!"

Carson sat in his chair in the infirmary checking over the latest medical information that had been liberated from the Ancient's database by the scientists. In the past few months he hadn't gotten much chance to do any real research between all the emergencies. Thank god tonight was quiet.

Almost _too_ quiet.

He kept sneaking a look at the door, waiting and wondering how long it would take. His gaze then traveled to his watch before looking back at the door once more.

Nothing.

Sighing with relief he looked back at the tablet computer and started reading… and reading… and doodling on the order with his stylus… and humming…

Bah! He couldn't work this way! It wasn't natural. Where the hell….

"Oh My god! You did that on purpose!" McKay cried out loud as he ran into the infirmary, a hand covering his right eye. Right behind him an apologetic looking Sheppard, and a highly amused looking Teyla and Dex, rushed in.

"I didn't!" John asserted. "I swear!"

McCay swirled around and pointed his finger at him. "What? So you through the remote at me by _accident _and just happened to hit me so perfectly that you've blinded me for life? Damn you, Sheppard, it was my favorite eye too! Now everything will look like a lopsided villain's secret lair from the old Batman TV series.

"You're not _blind_, Rodney! And I didn't throw it! The butter from the popcorn made my hands all slippery! Hey, wait a sec… You got that TV show in Canada?"

"Don't change the subject you… you… you eye-blinder! You threw it at me on purpose. You don't just 'accidentally' lose control of a remote, and nail the one person in this city who need both eyes more then most so he doesn't blow us all up when working on high powered Ancient technology, right after being told your selection of movies looks like it came from the Not-Exactly-Oscar-Winners Bin at WalMart! It just doesn't happen! You did it on purpose you misanthrope!"

Beckett smiled and pushed aside his tablet, grabbing a tray of medical supplies and hurrying to the pair to treat Rodney before John gave him a matching shiner.

_Thank God for their weekly routine_, he thought as he parted them and started tending Rodney's eye, _I would have gone nuts without their distraction once again._

_Daft idiots. But definitely funnier, and ultimately cheaper, then a movie._


	5. Bend it like Beckett

_**Author's Note:** Well here we are once again. I really have to thank everyone, as I always do, for their critiques and enthusastic response. This is fun. I realize I don't have to try and be over the top funny. I just have to try and see the humour, no matter how small. At least I hope I am seeing it. It's all up to you guys. Keep on reviewing! Hell, you can even make suggestions! I love input._

* * *

John smiled as the kids ran around him, yelling and laughing playfully. It was a beautiful day in Atlantis, and the new Lieutenant Colonel had promised the few Athosian children who resided in the city (and not on the mainland) a trip to the park they had found near the northwestern pier. 

Well, calling it a park was probably a bit optimistic. It was really just a rectangular plot between some of the towers, but it had soil and, surprisingly, a grass like clover that grew evenly across it.

The children squealed as they played tag, chasing an ever tiring Carson Beckett around like piranha after a cow carcass. John just shook his head as three of the Athosian girls tackled Carson, who fell melodramatically to the ground, groaning and moaning.

Stifling a laugh, John turned to see Ronan and Teyla step out of a pillbox shaped building at the corner of the field. The pair, crossly mismatched in height, both wore outdoor clothing from Earth. T-shirts and Shorts and sneakers. Ronan had commented earlier how he liked the Converse's he wore and Teyla seemed to enjoy her tennis shoes immensely.

But something was missing. It took John a minute to realize that the Fourth member of their group, Rodney McKay, wasn't there.

"Hey!" he called out. "Where's Rodney?"

Teyla bit her lower lip and Ronan shrugged. "He said something about looking like an idiot in his shorts." The warrior said.

Carson, having detangled himself from the throng of children, walked over to the forming adult group. Like the others he was wearing shorts which showed off surprisingly powerful looking, if hairy, legs. Instead of a t-shirt he wore a jersey of some sort and cleated shoes.

"Rodney dinnae need shorts ta look like idiotic." Carson murmured as he brushed grass from his legs.

"I heard that!" Rodney cried from inside the pillbox.

"I knew ye wooo-oould." Carson sang back.

The Athosian and the Setitian both smirked and shook their heads while John rolled his eyes. "C'mon Rodney!" he yelled. "You promised!"

"I did not!" The Canadian responded his voice short and full of annoyance. "You promised on my behalf which, I may add, would not hold up in any court of law!"

"You can't stay in there forever!"

"Wanna bet, Sheppard? You'd be surprised how long I would stay in here."

John through up his hands. "Rodney! Get out here now! It's a beautiful day and the kids are waiting!"

A string of curses flowed from the pillbox. A rather bountiful amount of them. In several languages, Ancient Included. All the kids stopped what they were doing, staring at the pillbox from which the strange and dirty words flowed like a damn tht had burst.

John blinked. Teyla looked a bit amused. Carson gaped openly.

Ronan placed his hands over the ears of the nearest little girl.

"Uhm, Rodney?" John called out quickly, hoping to stem the flow, "Sensitive ears, here?"

The swearing stopped, and was followed by an audible grumble. "You want to talk about Sensitive?" he asked. "What about my skin. I have a naturally pale complexion, Sheppard. Do you know what the UV index is here?"

"It's not my fault you sit in front of a computer in a darkened room, day in and day out." John said. "Now get your pasty chicken legs moving, McKay."

Sighing loudly, Rodney finally emerged from the pillbox.

Everyone, Ronan included, had to turn away a moment to compose themselves. There stood Atlantis's Premier Scientist, hands balled into fists that were pressed against his hips in a defiant pose. Rodney was wearing pink shorts and a pink t-shirt. The shorts were a bit longer then normal ones, but still showed off his skinny yet surprisingly toned legs to their.. uhm..best. Legs that were whiter then paper. But the funniest part, aside from the day glow clothes and his vampire chicken legs, was the multi-coloured stripes of Zinc Oxide across his face and arms, applied OVER a probably quarter inch of wgat was probably SPF 1000 sunscreen.

"Oh god, look… It's Braveheart Barbie!" John whimpered, trying not to laugh. He succeeded.

No one else did, though. Not even the aliens.

His face scrunched into that grimace he affected so well, and crossed his glowing, multibanded arms across his chest as everyone _but_ Sheppard guffawed.. "Hah hah!" he crooed, "Yes yes, laugh to your heart's content but when You're all dying of horribly scarring skin cancer and I'm all nice and melanoma free we'll see whowill be laughing."

Carson was wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes. "Aye aye lass.. I mean lad." He croaked. Which caused the group to start laughing again.

Sighing with indignity, McKay walked up to the group. "Fine, keep laughing. See if I care if you scar my delicate psyche. It's not my fault someone dropped a red something or other into the wash." He looked at the children, all smiling at the Pink and Striped scientist. "I can't believe I agreed to this."

"Well, as you said, you didn't." John pointed out as he pulled up a box filled balls from various sports. "Besides, it wasn't my idea so much as it was Carson's."

Rodney gave Beckett the eye of death, which prompted the doctor to quickly raise his hands. "Hold on a second, Rodney." The scot said defensively. "I though ye could use tha excersise."

"What, you mean running for my life from the Wraith wasn't enough?"

Carson shook his head. "Ye need _fun_ exercise." He pointed out. "Something relaxing."

Rodney grumped. "The fact that you used those two terms in a single sentence just further proves to me you're a quack!"

Carson sputtered. "Rodney! Shut up! I needed ye cause I need ye ta 'elp me teach tha kids ta play football!"

Rodney groaned even more, much to Sheppard's amusement. "Oh god, you're trying to kill me." The scientist whined. "You KNOW I hate football."

John was clearly enjoying this. "Yes, we know. But I thought it would be fin to show you which of the games, Hockey or Football, was better."

Carson nodded. "Aye, Colonel. Whatever ye say." He said as he reached into the box and withdrew…

The roundest football John had ever seen. And it was white… with black checkermarks on it. Wait a sec.

"Wait a sec!" he cried. "You didn't say we were going to teach the kids how to play Soccer."

The doctor raised his brow in that way that asked if John was daft. "What? I definitely did so!" he said with a huff. "I said we were teaching the kids Football."

"Yes, football! The game where you throw an oblong pigskin ball down a field."

Carson raised that brow even higher. "Noooo. Yuir talking about that wussy American rip off of rugby." The scot told him. "Football is where ye kick a ball down a field and try ta score points by getting it past a goalie and inta a net."

John groaned and slapped his forehead. He had been looking foreword to a game of American football. Damned stupid British English! Oh well. How hard could it be? He'd still be able to trounce Rodney into the..

Why was Rodney smiling?

And why were his eyes gleaming in a wickedly evil way.

Oh no.

No. It couldn't…

"Soccer?" Rodney finally exclaimed, gleefully. Any anger or resentment he ha shown was replaced with almost inhuman speed by a sheer look of contentment and, maybe, a bit of superiority.

John looked between the Scot and the Canadian suspiciously. "You set this up on purpose." He accused Beckett.

"Oh aye, lad. Definitely." The doctor said happily as he set the ball down and started doing tricks… like bouncing it on one knee and then passing it to Rodney who, to the astonishment of all who knew him, echoed the moves perfectly. The Scotsman grinned cheekily at the American. "That's what ye get when ye replace me coffee with decaffeinated, lad."

Rodney was still doing the soccer tricks, bouncing the ball over his head.. off his head.. off his heel.. the ball never once touching the ground. Ronan looks very impressed at how, almost instantly, Rodney had went from scholar to a fluid-moving sports machine. Teyla though looked as if she was seeing something that just didn't fit right in her personal universe.

As did John.

"You play soccer?" Sheppard cried, watching as McKay continued the ballplay with almost no effort.

Rodney nodded as he finally caught the ball behind his head, between the neck and his back, and let it roll down to the ground where he trapped it with his foot. "Oh yeah." He said, happily. The children wowed and clapped and the Scientist did a bow before continuing. "Played it since I was four. All through school. Was even on the University team until I blew my knee. Was this close to going professional." He held his fingers less then an inch apart..

John cursed. He was going to lose money on this and he knew it. He had spread the word, silently, among the marines that he was going to be playing football and that he was going to be playing against Rodney and Beckett.

Crap!

Wait second.

"If you blew your knee, how will you play?" John asked, grinning now as he found his out.

"Oh, I kept playing after. Just as a goalie. Went undefeated until graduation."

Double Crap!

Carson stepped up and pulled some cones from the box. After instructing the kids how to place them to represent goal nets he gathered everyone around. "Okay, children… and Teyla and Ronan.." The kids giggled and John and Rodney scowled at being lumped in with them. "This is how it works. Half of ya will be on My and Doctor Rodney's team while tha other half will be on Colonel John, Teyla and Ronan's team. Tha rules are easy. Ya pass tha ball, usin yuir feet, ta yuir team mates. Ye cannae touch tha ball with your hands…" And from there he continued to give an abbreviated list of the rules.

Five minutes later the teams were chosen and set up on the field. Rodney was in one goal while Ronan was in the other. The rest of the adults took up less important positions, determined to let the younglings have the most fun.

The game commenced and chaos ensued. But it couldn't be said that no fun was being had. The children squealed as they wrested the ball from their opponents, running back and forth across the field while only marginally obeying the rules, not that anyone really cared.

Sometimes, though, the adults would take over for a few passes and the match went from simple fun to something more competitive. John and Teyla, both extremely physically fit, would rush and try to get passed Becket to score but it seemed that the Scottish doctor would always get in their way, stealing the ball at the children's enthusiastic yells. Carson was a madman on cleats. The way he moved nothing short of almost poetic. Even though he wasn't as fit as the soldiers, his skill was just short of breathtaking.

John had a sneaking suspicion that the good doctor had set up a few bets of his own on the side.

Sometimes John or Teyla would actually get passed Beckett but, to their dismay, Rodney was just as proficient if not more so then Carson. It was like watching a soccer ninja. He would jump, or slide, or cartwheel and stop almost everyball. Hell, the only points that were scored were the ones he _let_ the _kids_ get passed him.

And at the same time, while Becket could easily get passed Teyla and John he would then pass to the kids on his team who would run up on score on Ronan. And Ronan was _trying_ his damndest. For a warrior who could take down three or more fully trained marines or Wraith's he couldn't for the life of him stop a ball kicked by a ten year old Athosian child.

After almost forty minutes, the scores were even. Becket and Rodney hadn't even broken a sweat, which pissed John off even more. He was going to lose _so_ much face here and he knew it.

So in a final rush Teyla passed him the ball. Somehow, maybe by the grace of god, the ball passed Beckett and the children. John got hold of it and ran like his life depended on it.

He was not going to lose to two scientists.

He was not going to be the laughing stock of the entire military regiment.

He was not going to lose that bet. Hey, he had bet he was going to win at football. He just hadn't said which kind of football it would be.

Bound and determined, he weaved in and out of the defense, getting closer and closer. Rodney stood in the goal, crouched and looking determined.

This was the tie breaker.

If he scored the game was his.

If he didn't he knew that Beckett would get the ball and they would lose.

Closer still.

Closer. There was the opening.

And with all his might John took aim and kicked the ball as hared as it could.

The soccer ball arced through the air, gracefully, like a missle on a locked target.

Oh, look! Rodney wouldn't be fast enough! He could see the hesitation in the Canadian's eyes.

He KNEW he would score! There was no WAY Rodney would save this time.

Skidding to a stop, John raised both hands in the air and gave a victory WOOT! He Twirled around, screaming ecstatically.

He had done it!

He was the Champion!

He was the Man! The Numero Uno. The Big Cheese.

He was…. Being looked at strangely? He quickly finished his twirl to see Rodney flying through the air, leg out in a kicking arc..

There was a resounding SMACK!

The ball bounced back, it's momentum easily doubled, shooting away from the goal…

And nailed John directly in the groin.

The world went still. Every child stared at the stricken Colonel who could not move a muscle as holy fire spread throughout his body.

"Oh nuts!" John groaned as he fell to his knees, then his side whilst clutching his groin.

Ronan winced, hell EVERY male within sight winced. It was the kind of soul hurting pain that every species that had a male sex could feel. A universal sympathy.

But Teyla wasn't sympathetic. She was female and had other things on her mind.

"I guess I owe Elizabeth twenty 'bucks'."


End file.
